There is often talk in my town about passing a law banning the use of cellphones in cars. I am both a proponent of this law and an unrepentant hypocrite for talking while driving without the use of a hands-free device.
But I happen to think that this is an example of soft legislation that will do little to make the roads safer. If government officials are serious about protecting drivers and passengers, they should make it illegal to operate a vehicle which contains children.
I am what generous people would call a ‘decent’ driver. My mini-van has signed a confidentiality agreement, so ‘decent’ is my story and I am sticking to it. But I will admit that it is occasionally difficult for me to stay focused on the road ahead while trying to throw crackers to the children behind me. Red lights which allow me to stop and safely help my children are sometimes a long two minutes away, and since a waiting child is so often a whining child, I have made a sport of the backward cracker toss. Whining and sporting are equally distracting to a driver, so given that I must choose, I might as well have some fun and work on my aim.
Once I have hit my cracker targets in the middle row, I graduate to the next level of launching the crackers into the back seat for the older children. If you think this is easy to do while staying in your own lane it’s because you have been throwing pretzel rods. Need I remind you that pretzel rods are aerodynamic and javelin shaped? If you want to challenge yourself and reach your full potential in driving athletics, you must use crumbly, square shaped crackers. Don’t be daunted, I believe in you!
Since new guidelines mandate that babies must be rear-facing until they are fluent in five languages, my daughter still sits backwards (her Cantonese is coming along nicely, though). Her brother often updates me on her activities. ‘She found a juice-box next to her carseat. Ooh, looks like it’s still got juice inside. She’s squeezing the juice out onto her clothes now. Wow, who knew there could be so much juice in such a small box?’
I know how important it is to remain calm while driving, so without missing a beat – and barely missing the oncoming traffic – I fish for whatever can pass as a paper towel (in this case it is the recently printed directions to Toronto. Stay tuned for a story about how I will get lost in two months when I try to drive there. ) and expertly toss it to my dripping child.
But erupting juice-boxes are child’s play (literally!) compared to hearing a sneeze from one of your small passengers that is powerful enough to deploy the airbags. Now you must locate the tissue box which is mercilessly far away on the floor of the passenger side, and reach for it in the manner of Inspector Gadget saying ‘Go-go gadget arms’. Tissues procured, you must now turn around to clean up the child’s snotty face while merging left. Go-go Gadget eyes-in-the-back-of-the-head! (Really, all those gadgets and he still needed the geeky niece and her dog to solve the crime. Not impressive, Inspector.)
These driving calisthenics often occur during heated debates over which music we should listen to, how warm the car should be, and whether or not I meant to drive over that curb. So isn’t it understandable how a stop sign here or a small animal there might get missed?
My children have a Pavlovian response to ringing phones – when they hear the sound they must immediately begin talking to me incessantly, and I thus rarely communicate with other adults. So if I am having an actual phone conversation while driving, chances are I am alone in the car. One hand may be holding the phone, but the other is most certainly on the steering wheel. Assuming it’s not searching for a better song on my iPod.
So clearly talking while driving is not the issue. To be effective, the law needs to take away my children until they are old enough to drive themselves. At which point I hope they will be allowed to face forward.
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